mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I didn't notice because vodka
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Randomize
