Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize