i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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