I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
