I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
