Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
