My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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