I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
