DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
