I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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