Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
