What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So much Jack, so little girl.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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