turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
