my mouth tastes like poor choices
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
