I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
