That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
