I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
