I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
