Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
