I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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