nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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