plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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