I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
