I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
