I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
