i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize