Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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