just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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