Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Text me some of your sweat
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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