Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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