My underwear smells like fireworks.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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