ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
