Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
