Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
