This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
