Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
