did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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