Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
