During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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