you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
