i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
