mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
