I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
