I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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