i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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