it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize