Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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