Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
