I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
wakey wakey hands off snakey
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
