I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
