i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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