My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
