I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
