Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
