I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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