his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
