It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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