True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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