ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
P.S. I can't hear my feet
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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